i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
