Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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