guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
