There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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