I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
