Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
She swung at the pinata with crutches
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
