I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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