apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
