there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
