An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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