I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
