he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize