Your mouth is God's brothel.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
