i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
