Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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