Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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