I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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