God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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