you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
