I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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