So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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