Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
