There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
