This dress was meant to end up on your floor
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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