I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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