I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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