He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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