I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Randomize
