bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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