I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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