I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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