and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
