Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
