There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
