Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
