are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
