what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
