tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
