there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
