All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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