I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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