I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
