cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
