omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
