DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
