so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
