happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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