Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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