kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
