when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
