i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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