I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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