You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
