Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
