The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
