I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
