speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
