i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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